Unexpected

I went to a workshop last week.  Excited to learn something new, nervous that I will not qualify, anticipating that I will be surrounded by women who by their collective knowledge will raise the bar.  I take a spot off to the far side where I think I will be least noticed.  As close to a fly on the wall as possible.  We are asked to put our name in large print on a paper and tape it somewhere in our workspace.  After the instructions I am intent on the task - head down - focused on my work.  Not my old self, one who loves to welcome and finds life looking into a new set of eyes.  At the beginning of the class I lose a vital tool for the task.  It falls to the floor and bounces away.  I cannot proceed without it and have to mention this unfortunate loss to the instructor... more attention than I am prepared for.  My table mates don't hesitate, down on their knees on my behalf scanning for the rogue bolt.  I find this exercise excruciating, someone taking time away from her project to help me, feels like an eternity without productivity.  It's a fruitless search and an ask goes out if someone has an extra for me to borrow.  "Yes"  from a woman clear across the room.  I am profuse with gratitude, glad for the freeing of the others to go back to their babies.  I could have found another way to work on mine but it would have meant that I would not have made sufficient progress to keep up (more unavoidable attention).  I am humbled.  I know this is a gracious place to be in the scheme of earth living.  But it is quite expensive and I have to open my emotional nest egg to be willing to purchase it 'as is'.  Getting back to my comfort zone I am conscious of the chatter, the humming of the machines, and the periodic outburst of laughter.  I don't immediately realise that this is why I have come.  Not that I anticipate a single friendship to form for I have driven out to another town for this class and will not bump into any of these women at the local bank or store.  Yes, I had been quite brilliant in this part of the plan - no strings attached.  Unbeknownst to me a prayer that I have prayed along with David from his memoirs, is getting attention of its own.  "God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails!"

Giacomo Ceruti: women working on pillow the sewing school

 

When loss is part of your reality, especially loss upon loss.  Causes?  The curse of the earth and results of the choices of men.  There is this propensity to feel you deserve nothing more.  The verdict of others is more final than you want to allow and the nagging feeling that you possibly have done the same, is the washer that holds this emotional bolt tight.  How do you recover from this?  For healing is what I am in need of to become a giving part of society again.  And trust is a treasure that I am not ready to extend - in others nor in myself.  "Constance, did you find your bolt?"  "I like the colours you have chosen."  "What did you bring for lunch?"  Speaking only when spoken to is a new angle for me.  It affords my emotional eyes time to look around the room.  To eavesdrop and take notes.  To wonder if I can see where these women are setting their bar.  I have not been able to pick mine up.  ... Listening I lean in...  hope.

 ^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28  The Message (MSG)

There comes a time when...

...after more than just a few losses, and the warning sign on your personal 'mobility device' aka your emotional data plan that operates the heart, soul, and mind GIVES NOTICE.  It's time to choose what really matters and be okay with IT.

LAAAAA!!!!!

The sun is up!  The sun is up!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!
One of the best things I do for myself is go to the gym first thing in the morning.  Today we did my least favourite exercise to this... one of my all time favourite work out songs! Music matters! Sing Hallelujah everybody!

Let the Sun Shine In!

If you live in the Pacific Northwest ... yes up a bit higher in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia you will know that we have been longsuffering with rain!  No substantial amount of sun in sight -- for months! If there is just a moment of 'dry' I drop everything and get my lawn mower cranked up, driven by the single fear that it will be my only opportunity! 

This morning, the first day of summer, we woke up to the sun grinning ear to ear through our bedroom windows.  Hallelujah!  And to mark the end of one season embracing the start of another I put the last stitch on this yesterday.  (If the sun won't shine, I have a few tricks to bring brightness into my world and this is one of them.)

Kaffe Fassett's 'Yellow S Block'

Blue and green support the back

 

My mother-in-law loved this centre fabric.  A set of napkins that she picked up in France.



Nobody tells people who are beginners...

Inspiration... comes in every way you can imagine.  Thank you David Shiyang Liu for making this little vid not just for storytellers.

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
― Ira Glass

Now get to work!

So much good

I am catching my breath.  So much good in my world is a God gift. I am finding ways to mark major events.  My girlfriend was teaching me how God uses the pop of yellow in nature to give a burst of delight and how artists use this as well.  Here's my pop of light for my life changing marker.  Yellow makes my heart sing but it has to be seen in context.  Too much yellow does not work as well on it's own either.  It needs all the other colours to bounce off of.  Just like life, needs its history to relish and embrace that yellow pop.  Here's the beginning of my yellow life marker. 



Pickle Dish Quilt

 Remember my last marker when my daughter was diagnosed with the big C (albeit - one of the lesser threatening... and here we are looking in to the eyes of her sweet baby girl Little Miss E)  So as not to forget to be thankful and remember who holds the plans.  I am making markers for my eyes to remind my heart that God is present, the pop of colour in my life.


The Colour Run


Speaking of colour.  If I were a runner (I am not) but if I were, I would participate in this!  It's a 5K and making its rounds through the US.  It was held in Seattle a couple of weekends ago.  At each K marker, you get doused with colour and at the end you are wearing the medals of your achievement!  Fun to do with friends. 

And... if you love this kind thing I hear there is a Zombie run making the rounds as well... for the K markers I can only imagine.  They are saying "A zombie infested 5K obstacle course".  The virus is spreading... run for your lives!!!!  <grin>  Toronto's is scheduled for Aug 22nd.  If it was coming to Vancouver, I'd go just to see the fun!

Feast or Famine

So a week ago today was my first day unemployed. Layoffs due to financial constraints which is a sweet relief that it was not for poor performance. There is a profound calm to have to lean on God's everlasting arms when the change is not your own doing. I worked for a church and on this same morning God spoke a verse into the deepest part of my spirit. I am reading the Bible chronologically for the second year in a row and this time around I am asking God to get personal (not let it be just a fact finding expedition).  He knew exactly what would mean billions of words of encouragement to me -- especially on this last day serving my church which I had done for the past 15 years and when tears threatened to draw unwanted attention. The earth is [mine] the LORD'S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it. Ps 24:1.  It was a rush for me hearing, don't worry about the next step, I own it all and there will be a place for you. I know people and I have all the 'stuff' you will need.  How dear and close I feel to Him.  So this past Sunday, just two days ago, to observe a recommended season of rest, I went to a new church alone without my SwtHt who is still working for the church that let me go. It was strange as SwtHt and I have left our house together @ 6:30am for 15 years of Sundays first as volunteers and then as staff (him fulltime and me part-time) loving every minute of belonging.  Now I was heading through church doors on my own probably greeted by another one just like me who got there super early and has been meeting the people of her church for a myriad of years.  I could appreciate every volunteer's gesture of giving and sensed God's joy. True joy is a God essence. I was poured into that morning and ever so grateful for anyone who finds a place to voluteer or work with a church.  Creating such a family atmosphere is worth the time for all the 'me's' that come needing a filling. 

I am vibing off this verse, excited and full of anticipation.  I've seen good days and tough days.  My SwtHt and I are seasoned veterans in following God to places we do not know.  God knew what was in store for me last June fulfilling a simple prayer request when I asked for a distraction to keep my heart set on Him through a tough season by bringing a grandbaby into our family and under our roof.  Bliss arrived by means of a full house and a place to serve my family. So, at her mommy's request, we went out to buy fabric for some classy bibs and I delightedly whipped up a few seeing as I have the time. Filling my mind with creating a pattern and fussing about the fit of course.  My daughter says our sweet little Miss E is styling.  I say, God knows so well what I need.  My heart is fervently grateful for family and babies and yes, churches too.